Do you love yourself?

I loved her more than I loved myself. If it wasn't for all the loss I've experienced thus far, I think I'd still feel that way. It was two years ago that my spiritual journey began. Two years ago, I cried out to God, which I was told is "a loving father", from my car while driving home from my new job and I heard a soft voice from within my heart say "in order to know my love, you must first learn to love yourself."

Growing up in a Christian home, I was taught all about how God loved me, but I had never felt this love in an experiential way, at least not since I was a very young child. The heartache and rejection of life had caused my heart to grow cold but I did a good job of hiding it. I learned by the time I was 11 years old that something must be wrong with me because no matter how hard I try to do good, I always get in trouble. This fear of getting in trouble still comes up for me. Even though I now know how deeply loved and valued by the Divine I am, I still wonder deep down inside "Am I enough?" "What if I make one more mistake and everyone leaves me?" Deeply rooted self hatred doesn't just disappear because we say a prayer of salvation or go on a youth retreat or answer an alter call. Deeply rooted self hatred just might run in my family line, because I see the association of it with depression and anxiety and I see those things in my parents. I wonder if this way of numbing ourselves emotionally has been a way for us to survive the great suffering we experienced in the past, particularly as women.

I am learning that when I stay present when I have intense emotions, it becomes an opportunity for internal healing. Its not always pretty, but it is a beautiful healing process. I'll share an example, one day a relative and I were texting and I asked her to be safe because she was having a birthday party for her child in the next month and I responded with "be careful". She responded by questioning me "Be careful how?" And I explained "You know wear a mask and practice social distancing as recommended." Well when I read her next message, I got upset because she told me she is not going to let the government control her and implied that that's what I was doing (by following the guidelines) and I got really upset. I was angry and crying. Once I finished my task, I went into my backyard alone and did a meditation, I placed my hand on my heart and asked my inner child questions about how she felt and listened to her answers without judgement. I was not really upset so much about this text convo as I was upset about the way that I was not listened to in the past and how I felt responsible for other people's choices. This goes back to the way I was taught to evangelize the virtually everyone I came in contact with. I ultimately felt like I was responsible to save people from hell. Now in this moment I had a conversation with my husband and realized that I am not responsible for other people's choices and all the power I have is to influence others but they have freedom to do as they wish. I believe this is how God probably feels.

This moment of upset brought to my realization that I was believing something that was not serving myself or others and I had the opportunity to rethink this belief. In these moments there are different things I have found that help me to reconnect to myself mind, body, and spirit. I journal, cry, talk and listen to my heart, dance, walk barefoot in the grass, do yoga, meditate, walk, talk to a trusted human being, or pray and then I feel one step closer to wholeness that I am.

"Love your neighbor as yourself." found in Leviticus 19:18 and in Matthew 22:39 is the second greatest commandment given by Jesus and the prophets in the bible and this has always been a way of living that I highly valued. But how can we love our neighbor if we do not love ourself? Do you accept yourself, every part of yourself, even the parts no one knows about, the secrets, the mistakes, the ways you've been rejected? Hatred comes from hurt. You can't hate others without hating yourself and you can't love others without loving yourself. I realized that when I cried out to the Divine in desperation, this was a moment of initiation. A moment of connection to myself and my maker. This lead to myself daring to ask questions and learning about new ways of being a Christian. This lead to me opening my heart. I will never regret it. I will never say I wish I could go back to my box, where I thought I knew everything there was to know about God and religion. Curiosity and self love have brought so many new, joyful experiences into my life and I hope you accept their invitation to do the same for you!