How it all began

Almost two years ago my spiritual awakening began. I was overwhelmed and exhausted as a working wife and mother. I was driving home from work and out of desperation to feel loved, I literally cried out to God. I had just started a new job as I approached my youngest child's first birthday. All my life I had lived under the internal pressure of perfection in order to be accepted but this day, in this moment, I realized it wasn't possible. Something in me broke, maybe it was my ego.

Leading up to this moment of desperation, I had experienced personal tragedy. My father passed away unexpectedly while living in another state when I was only 22 years old and my daughter Jennifer was 3 years old at the time. He only met her once. After that huge loss that I was unprepared to process, I experienced marriage problems and went through a 6 month separation and then my husband and I got back together. We started trying to have our second child soon after and lost Jordyn when I was 11 weeks pregnant through miscarriage. This was a devastating loss that really challenged my faith and beliefs about God. We conceived again but I only knew I was pregnant for a week before I lost Faith at 4 weeks gestation. I remember talking to and confiding in my pastor, Kent Cox, during this time and the last time I saw him he asked me if I was still pregnant and I told him "no". He told me to keep having faith and God would bless us with two more children. Later that week I got a text message saying our Pastor had a heart attack and passed away suddenly in the church parking lot. He was in his mid forties. It was so shocking! I remember going to the restroom and sitting on the floor sobbing. This was another devastating loss.

I remember in between the conceptions and miscarriages I asked Pastor Kent to come and pray for me with elders as it says in the bible in James. He responded in love and he and the founding pastor came to my home and anointed me with oil and prayed with my husband that we would have more children in the future. It amazes me as I look back that for the beautiful yet brief time I knew Pastor Kent, he truly made a difference in my life. He gave me hope and inspired me to love others. He encouraged me to have faith and trust God during a dark time in my life and for that I am truly thankful.

Just when my husband I decided not to worry about having more children and see what happened, I conceived Journey just one month in between loosing baby Faith and Pastor Kent. It was exciting and scary all at the same time. I tried to stay positive and I felt so relieved when I made it to 12 weeks. I loved being pregnant and was so thankful this one was baking in the oven. When Journey was born I was overjoyed but also overwhelmed and struggled with postpartum depression. I also was diagnosed with a thyroid condition induced by pregnancy.

I adjusted to being a mother of two by the time Journey was one year old and six months later found out I was pregnant with Josiah. What a fun surprise! Everything worked out just fine in both their pregnancies and I am so grateful. Now my children are 11, 5, and 2. Through all these losses and life experience I began to realize something was missing and I was disappointed that the depth I was longing for was not being found in churches as I had expected it to be.

I adjusted to being a mother of two by the time Journey was one year old and six months later found out I was pregnant with Josiah. What a fun surprise! Everything worked out just fine in both their pregnancies and I am so grateful. Now my children are 11, 5, and 2. Through all these losses and life experience I began to realize something was missing and I was disappointed that the depth I was longing for was not being found in churches as I had expected it to be.

So as I was in my car, my cry of desperation was something like this "God, I want to feel your love! I've never known the love of a father." My cry was responded with a warm, gentle inaudible wisper I heard from within that said "In order to know my love, you must first learn to love yourself." These words I knew came from God and gave me the courage to start a new course with my life.

I grew up with Christian, divorced parents and my father was a on-practicing Pastor that taught me all about God and his beliefs and doctrines from a young age. There must've came a point in my faith journey growing up that I stopped asking questions and my curiosity in life went numb. I know there was also a moment around age 9 - 11 that I made a pact with myself to do whatever I could to be perfect and please everyone so that I would be accepted because deep down I believed something was wrong with me as a result of emotional abuse from a parent.

After my divine encounter in the car, I started noticing the beauty all around me in the trees and people as I went on walks during my lunch breaks. I started observing my thoughts and as I journaled I noticed my auto pilot thoughts were rooted in self hatred. I began to understand myself and those around me in new ways. I realized how connected we all are. I realized that God always loved me, even when I didn't love myself and blamed myself for the ways my parents and others including religious leaders had hurt me. I began getting my personal power back and simultaneously reconnecting to God and learning how to be lead by the Holy Spirit, instead of my ego. I thought to myself, "Could this be what the bible talks about as being born again?"

So here we are two years later and my outlook on life and beliefs have changed significantly, but I am still me. I am more fully myself, I am connected to God, myself, and others more and now I am ready to share my faith journey with you. I hope that we can lift each other up as we explore what it means to have faith. I still identify as a Christian but I no longer believe in Hell and I now believe in the Universal Christ. This new belief answers a big question I had as a child. "Daddy, where did all the people in the bible before Jesus go when they died since Jesus hadn't come yet?" I find so much peace in believing that God is as loving as I experience them to be and that a loving parent would never turn his child away forever no matter how much he messed up. Our God is a God of redemption and he is so much bigger than we were told in Sunday school. I am okay with that because it has lead to this adventure of discovery! I am living on the edge of everything I was taught as a child and everything available to learn about. If you are ready, will you join me in embracing this uncomfortable, yet delightfully liberating space?